Your Issue Are Yours - Own Them!

I spent a long time feeling voiceless, powerless, and undervalued.

And of course at some point, if you have the awareness to feel all of those negative things, you want to know where they came from. Parents are a popular scapegoat, maybe siblings, or a traumatic event. What made me like THIS, we wonder….

Especially if we aren’t that impressed with the results.

Personally, I was homeschooled, which means I had a LOT of time with my mom. So it might make sense that all my hang ups came from her, right? 

But here’s the thing:

I had a really good mom.

She was human, obviously, so we won’t pretend she was perfect.

But honestly, I was exposed to literature and a love of books and learning.

I got chances to explore, to play, and to be a kid. (Something that’s becoming rare, I’m afraid!)

I learned to clean and cook and take care of things around the house.

I got to have horses, raise sheep, plant flowers. (My mom was a terrible gardener...told you things weren’t perfect.)

I got to be creative, rough house, make forts, set up entire Barbie communities in the living room (including a publishing house and book printing facility...obviously my Barbie was important and business minded).

And a lot of those opportunities came about because my mom was willing to homeschool. And as much as she loved it, I’m sure she got a little sick of being around us all the time (or at least got tired of my siblings). 

So I’d say I learned a lot about independence, education, caring for others, and exploring my mind from my mom.

Which is great, but it hasn’t left anyone holding the bag for all my issues!

Photo by  Annie Spratt  on  Unsplash

So here’s the deal - the more I tunnel around inside myself and explore who I am and why I am this way, I keep coming back to…


My, myself, and I.

Yes, my parents screwed some things up, my siblings gave me a little push towards crazy, my circumstances were less than ideal.

But that’s all of us. 

You, me, them, her, him, we, US.

No one came from a perfect, conflict-free, family that always knew the perfect way to handle us and our specific needs, wants, desires, hurts, secrets, hopes, dreams, fears.

Heck, I still don’t know, and I’ve had 29 years of getting to know myself.

So back to me -

I wanted to diminish conflict, because I liked peace, collaboration, community.

But in seeking after all those wonderful things, I slipped into the role of “people pleaser” - and I pleased ALL the people.

I compromised my own desires, dreams, and thoughts in order to placate my mom, dad, sister, brother, friends, church family - pretty much anyone.

And it would be easy to point a finger and say “I became this for YOU!” as if it really is their fault. But in reality, none of them ever asked me for that.

I understood that by becoming {whatever was needed} I could make things easier/nicer/smoother for others. I could facilitate peace. But it was never a true peace; instead, I created a fragile ecosystem that was 100% dependent on me to maintain, cultivate, and “save”.

An ecosystem no one ever asked me to create.

Photo by  Javardh  on  Unsplash

Photo by Javardh on Unsplash

An ecosystem that smothered my ability to by myself, because I was desperately trying to be what I thought everyone else wanted me to be.

Breaking out of that is process that I’m still on. My first tendency is still to smooth things over, to push down my desires, to be who I think is needed rather than be who I actually am.

But that isn’t anyone’s “fault”, and…

The more I am fully myself, the more I realize that people WANT me to be me.

Sure, I may have saved them from a bit of drama or conflict in the moment...but I also created a world in which they didn’t get to know me. I withheld my true self, and no one actually wanted to pay that price.

Next time you want to step into a role you feel you need to play, I challenge you to take a deep breath and see what happens if you don’t.

(PS - I’m still a peacemaker. I’m just working on finding ways to do it while still being me.)

Sometimes when I step back, I hold my breath a bit. It takes courage to release old roles that don’t serve your life anymore!

But the tradeoff is 100% worth it, because I can finally say that I’m done feeling voiceless, powerless, and undervalued. Those things aren’t enough for me, and I don’t have to feel any shame around letting them go and stepping into something bigger, fuller, and more ME than I could have ever imagined.